Thursday, October 23, 2014


I've been canning the past few days and it has felt great to do something I love. Lisa let me take 2 boxes home the other day and they were perfect for applesauce and apple pie filling! I have 1 more batch to make but I've been pacing myself. I've also learned the art of slowing down, relaxing and resting, Tv watching, lunch packing, baking & trying new reciepes! It's been really strange to allow myself to do these things, I have felt guilty & unworthy as I've slowed down, but I'm working through the feelings and trying to embrace this time before things pick up. I'm just not good at relaxing and slowing down, but I've been trying to a little more. It actually feels nice when I can relax my mind enough to enjoy it. When everything is done, I sit and watch a show or close my eyes for 10 minutes! It's so weird! I feel like I know the towm now (There's only 6000 people in our town and the one 5 miles away) so it isn't too hard to find things, but I feel like we have a little routine down now. I love having Trav home on Fridays now because I'm still feeling lonely, sad and unsure. He helps ground me and having him gone for 12 hours is hard some days. I've been really happy and really depressed since we've been here. Some days I don't want to get up- and so I don't. I've actually watched a lot of TV and I'm kind of ok with it. Other days I want to go for a drive and look at the beautiful scenery or check out the houses for sale. Somedays I want to bake or eat a lot- and so I do. I'm trying to just feel the emotions. Some days I cry a lot, others I can't stop grinning at the beautiful apples in my kitchen. It's all so normal. This depression is so much better than the "I want to kill myself" kind so I don't worry. I'm still taking care of everything and the kids, so it's nothing worrisome, its just bothering me because I feel like I shouldn't feel so sad. Everything is great and has been great and because of that I assume I should be void of any negitive feeling. It's just part of setteling, changing & moving. It's just really hard though. I hate change with all my heart. I hate the unknown and I must have predictability in my life- but I don't and so I feel a little crazy. It will settle, or pass or not- but whatever it does, I'll just keep breathing, enjoying and soak in the strange feelings of relaxing!

1 comment:

maxer mcbanner said...

Hey, your son is special. Pokemon is ment to enlighten people
show him roblox?
also watch the movie the matrix he looks like agent smith