Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Facing our fears...

***For those of you tired of my posts lately, just move on... This is the only place I have to vent- and it's become my journal & family record- so just know, this is 100% for me and my sanity. Writing is therapy for my crazy soul. If you are looking to be entertained, you have come to the wrong place my friends- this is just my rambling so I can clear my mind and try to sleep a little at night. ***

I was watching Anderson Cooper today, which I love, and it was all about facing your fears. I was glued and hooked within seconds as the show started because, right now in this very moment- I am living one of my biggest fears. The Dr on the show talked about surrendering, and my heart stopped and the tears began to fall. I listened as Anderson talked about in his moments of fear- he pictures the scene from Dances with Wolves, where Kevin Costner is riding his horse with his arms spread and his head back- completely letting go, or surrendering. I stopped, because there was my answer.
For 3 weeks now I've been begging God to reveal the lesson in all of this madness. So many times I cried out, "Just hurry up and show me what I'm supposed to learn so I can learn it and move on to the next trial." But nothing was coming. No answer. No lighting bolt, nothing.

Last night as I sat for a hour & 1/2 while eggs were being removed from my head- I told Trav- "I'm just waiting... I don't know what the lesson is, but I wish this would end... I listed about 20 things I thought the Lord was trying to teach me or could be factors, and I'm sure they are all apart of it as well- but my answer came as I heard the words today- just surrender to your fears.

The truth is, it isn't about the lice anymore- it's about everything else. It's about my mind, my obsessions, my addictions, my compulsive behavior, my wild thoughts that prohibit me from so much and my insane rituals that I cannot rid myself from. I have worked so hard in therapy over the years to overcome and get a handle on some of it, but the past 3 weeks I have been so out of control I have felt defeated, weak and so small.

I know I am crazy. I have been running from me my entire life. I have hated me for so many years and the time I have wasted cleaning, and sanitizing- thinking it would make me feel better. It hasn't. Everything is contaminated and I know it, That's why I have feared it- because it is everywhere and I can't clean it all well enough so I can rest and feel at peace. I've had a cleaning/germ fetish for years. That's what I do. I clean. I make the germs go away. But periods in my life have been really difficult.

For a long time I couldn't have anyone in my home. I couldn't handle the germs they would bring into my house and if they did, I had to wash and sanitize everything after. I ironed my dish towels for years because the wrinkles drove me crazy. I couldn't look at the mismatched silverware in my drawer,so I got rid of it until we didn't have enough utensils to eat off of. I haven't been able to sit on the fabric pewes at church for years because of the bugs I knew were crawling on them transfered from everyone's clothing- I always changed my clothes after church so the germs wouldn't cling to the surfaces in my home and contaminate everything there. The sacrament trays have always been an issue, shaking hands, holding the dirty hymn books, touching doors and handles. The grocery store has always been a awful place too. The people stalking the shelves with dirty hands touching all the boxes and cans of food, putting the stuff into dirty carts, then putting them onto filthy conveyor belts to then be handled by dirty hands from the cashier who's been handling money all day. It's taken all my will power someday's not to wipe down every purchased item from the store. Grace knows to just wash her change if she's going to play with it- "Don't worry Mom, I washed the money with soap."she says all the time.

It's everything. I hate airports and the putting my luggage on the belts. I hate knowing all the germs from people's suitcases are now touching mine, So i have to clean them every time. I don't want to travel because I know I will catch a diease or bring back some horrible germ I won't be able to get rid of. Trav has gone to movie theaters alone for years because I can't sit in the seats. They are filthy and I am convinced that every germ soaked into the fabric will attack me and I will be surrounded by bugs. I can't share water bottles either, or eat off of other peoples' forks. I hate keys and cell phones, checking out books from the library knowing so many people touched those pages before me. I hate computer keyboards, steering wheels & refrigerator handles. I wash Trav's gym bag and wipe down everything in it because I know those places are not clean. I hate public restrooms, I can't handle Chuck E Cheese or Pojo's, I want to vomit when we go to pot lucks because I don't know if those people washed their hands before preparing the food. I wear clothes once and make the kids change when they come home from school, so I can put them in the laundry. There is soap everywhere and hand sanitizer on the wall in my home, in the diaper bag, van and on my key chain. I take Lysol wipes to hotels and clean everything there- bathrooms, remotes, toilets. I bring my own pillows and it's the only time I keep my shoes on. I am horrified of them and hate it when we travel. When I have my babies in the hospital- I wipe everything down too. Hand rails, push buttons, toilets and chairs- it is all too much I can hardly stand it. For a long time I couldn't go anywhere, and then when all I was doing was cleaning for 8 hours a day- I had to get out of my house before I went insain there too. I have rarely felt at peace because my mind has not allowed me to calm down. I have been trying to fight a thousand unseen germs around me and then move onto a thousand more irrational thoughts in my mind.

What has become so unreal for me is that right now is... I can see these bugs. These ones are real. These ones have been crawling in my hair and drinking blood from my head and then laying eggs and I have not been ok. I have done 4 treatments on myself, worn a shower cap non stop (except for the unfortunate moments I have had to be around people), then covered my head with a pillowcase and then wrapped that in a shirt tied closed at the bottom. I have felt so dirty. So revolting and so humilatied I can hardly breathe.

I just broke down today and sobbed in the bathroom. I couldn't hold it in and so I just sat with the uncomfortable. I cried until there was nothing left and told God- I surrender. I can no longer control this. 106 loads has not made it go away. All the empty bottles has not made it stop and I give it to you. I just give it all to you."

I have worked so hard at controlling the only thing possible- my home.And it's been under attack and I haven't been able to save it. I haven't been able to clean it enough or well enough. It's become personal because I was so good at it before, but I can't seem to do enough, which in my mind says: I am not good enough. I have lost all control and my world has been in a state of panic, everything touched has had to be cleaned over and over and over. The paint is coming off the walls in places because I keep scrubbing. I can't do it and I am so angry. I am so mad that the only thing I had to control is not mine right now. Everything feels dirty- but I know it's the cleanest it's been in awhile. I want to throw everything away because I don't know where the bugs have been.

Who is going to want to be around me? Or come into my home? Or come to the girl's birthday parties? Or borrow anything of mine anymore? I wouldn't. I can hardly stand to be in this body right now and I feel so crazy I'm going to explode. It just won't stop. My mind just won't stop racing. I can't seem to catch my breath at moments and I just want to drop myself off somewhere and drive away. I cannot stand me, and I'm just so tired.

Today was about facing one of my greatest fears- realizing I am living it and surviving it. It has become so much bigger in my mind because it has tapped into every unhealthy behavior I have tried to stop, every tendancy, every urge I have had to push away, every ritual I have despised and everything I have been trying to kill for years. It has brought to the surface so much that I have tried to hide from my children, husband, family and friends. I've tried to act normal when I have been screaming at the top of my lungs and for some reason it just lingers. I don't ask for this. I don't want this part of my life. I know why my G-pa vacuumed so many times a day. I hate the footprints in the carpet too. I hate things out of place, I hate feeling crazy when the toys are out and the cans of food are not stacked straight with labels facing out.

I just want to feel peace... I hate surrendering, but I will...