Sunday, January 17, 2010

My happiness...

This past week there have been some HUGE struggles with a friend of mine and it has caused me to think about my life, and my past. I have dealt with depression, anxiety, OCD issues, an eating disorder, self hatred, addictions and a thousand other unpleasant things throughout my life, but somehow I survived them all. I have wanted to end my life many many times but never did in fear of hurting all those I left behind. Watching my friend struggle this past week has hurt my heart. I wanted to take away her pain, make everything better but I couldn't. All I could do was listen,and pray for her healing to begin.
I still struggle every second with a few remaining issues, mostly- depression,some OCD issues and the uncontrolable need for perfection. But over the past 10 years of my life, I have wanted to live, and when I say live, I mean, really live. I have focused on my own healing through counseling, group therapy, medication and lots of chocolate. I have walked through many "forest fires" and come out the other side alive and stronger. I have ached, cried and hurt most of my life but I never gave up even in my darkest hours when I really wanted to. I am learning to love myself more. I am trying to see me as my Heavenly Father does and at times, I still can't look in the mirror. When I am struggling beyond belief, I now turn to my husband, my Mother, my friends, my journal and my Savior. They all help me through the hurt. I try not to hurt myself anymore to punish me for something I didn't do or do well enough. I know there is more to life than just barly getting by. I know that God wants me to have a wonderful, incredible life, and I do! I just need to relax more and give myself permission to just be me. I share this because we all hurt, we all have a past and we all have things we wish never happened, but my hope is that we all get throught it, that we walk through the fire and come out the other side seeing how amazing we are. My prayer is that you will reach out to someone- anyone, in your dark moments, because the world is so much better with you in it.
To my beautiful friend, I am so happy you are still here.

My happiness:

My husbands touch
my babies
My childrens laughter
My Mother's voice
my family
amazing friends
Standing at the edge of the ocean
motorcycle rides with my Dad
Yard sales
my vaccuum
hand sanitizer
my journal
fuzzy socks
Michael Bolton
Non fat milk
sterling silver
my grandpa singing while he vaccuums
Grandmas crocheted blankets & dish rags
Old fashioned glazed donuts
bubble baths
The Office
scapbook paper
my red bingo sweatshirt
black sweats
the smell of a clean house
my dishwasher
my washer & dryer
my phone
my zebra bathrobe

...thank you for my amazing life!

Turning 30...

It's one of those things I can't control, so I just try to age happily. I am 30! Althought it feels like just yesterday that I left highschool, I did not. 12 years later, a decade with my husband, 4 kids, a house and a mini van proves that yes, indeed, I am aging!
I had a great birthday dinner with friends this past week. All I can say is I am blessed to have the greatest ones on earth. Thanks guys for a great, great night!
(Sorry Andrea that I am in front of your face & Annikan, don't you love the balloon string in yours?!)

My sweet Chelsea...

I love this girl with all my heart. Honestly, I don't think I could love her more. She's one of those friends that knows all my deep dark secrets, but loves me anyways. A friend whose seen my "private parts" while nursing a baby, a friend who adores IKEA and Target just as much as I do and calls to see if I want more napkins! She's that friend who always listens even if it's until midnight and one who always has chocolate chip cookies ready for me. She remembers the important things and loves my kids. She makes me laugh with her hilarious "grape" stories and makes me cry when I think of all that she has gone through to have a family. I simply adore her. I love evey second with her. She has an amazing ability to love, care and ask questions about your day, or week or life. she makes people feel important and loved. She has the greatest smile and is "sometimes" late for things. She loves stars as much as I do and one day I'll steal her ring with the star on it, but she'll never guess who did it. She makes amazing lasagna, runs half marathons and can make anything feel better. I am beside myself with delight that she is expecting twins! TWINS! A boy and a girl. All I can say is those babies are the luckiest tiny kids there are, because they will have the most amazing Mama in the world. (Shane will be an ok Dad. Just kidding. An amazing Dad.)I love you Chelsea.

Say goodbye...

I know this is the silliest thing to blog about, but I have REALLY weak, flimsy finger nails. I've always wanted to grow them out, but they always broke before I could get them to that "cute" stage. Cleaning houses for 10 years has made it difficult to have long nails even if I wanted to, but recently, my prenatels have been super. I decided to grow my nails out a little, just to see if I could do it. I usually have the tiniest line of white showing, so they've always been SUPER short. Even with short nails, I was always flipping my nail backwards while changing sheets or cleaning- so it just never worked out for me, until now. I told myself when they became a problem, I would clip them, so yesterday while I was grocery shopping, my pinki nail, which is super long (almost falf an inch!), flipped completely backwards and caused the most terrible finger pain of my life. Seriously. I wanted to say a swear word. But I didn't. So, after the longest blog post about finger nails, I've decided it's time to cut them, but I'm kinda sad about it. Am I crazy? It stems from never having them, but really, I'm starting to injure my children. Texting is difficult and washing hair is hard to do. So wish me luck as I say farwell to my crazy long finger nails. (Just so you know, my injured pinki is not the one pictured, it's much longer than the one shown!)