Pregnancy vent session...

Lets be honest, after yesterday's marathon of a day where I thought I could get up and going at 3:45 AM and conquor the world- I realized this old 32 year old pregnant body that weighs 300 pounds more- does not like being in motion that long. I literally crashed last night. It was one of those nights I knew the kids were up until 9:30 watching a movie, but I didn't even care. I was almost asleep and way too tired to get up and get them ready for bed. I just couldn't move. I was cemented in my bed exhausted. (Trav was out recharging the bug because our darling Willow played with my buttons and left my lights on!)

I've realized I hate pregnancy more than anything, and besides knowing there is a cute baby growing- there is nothing fun about this. I'm not sad that this will be our last child, (although knowing when Willow grows out of something, I will no longer see that item again- pulled at my heart a little yesterday. And realizing if I buy anything boy- it will only be worn a few minutes and then will quickly retire for no brothers to be passed down too, kinda made me sad as well)
I've realized my body is worn out already from carrying babies. It wants to be done with this "magical" part of life. It's endured 7 pregnancies and it's closing it's doors in awhile, and I'm okay with that.

I'm used to running all day long. I get 50,000 things done before noon- but lately, by 1:00- this old thing shuts down and forget about acomplishing anything else for a long, long time. Seriuosly, what is wrong with me? Where did the energy go? I hate going 30 miles a hour- when I'm used to 100. I'm a speeder, I move, I get things done- but not these days, and I'm getting really upset about it too.

I'm trying to embrace this stage in my life with a happy attitude, with a more grateful heart and a cheerful outlook- but let's face it- I'm not doing so hot.

I thank the Lord a million times for the ease in which we get pregnant, the ability to carry my babies and the chance to raise them and be their Mom. I know how many people struggle, so I don't mean to seem heartless, I just wonder why the Lord designed it this way- that's all!

Now, being the Mom part, is way better than the being pregnant part. You get to see cute 2 year old bums run down the hall way laughing all the way as you chase them, and listen to your 7 year old girl transform into a drama filled teenager right before your eyes and watch your almost 10 year old boy make dirt bombs and kill off an entire fleat of bad guys and stand amazed as your 5 year old runs the computer better than you do- it's the best and I love it!

Every once in awhile I stop and realize what I've been blessed with and my heart swells a million times in size. I just stand with tears falling down my face as I watch my babies all growing at different speeds and thank my Heavenly Father for what I was born to be- their Mom. I've gone in their room at night so often lately just to watch them sleeping and I can't explain it. I stood rubbing Tristin's forehead the other night when he woke up. He said, "mom, are you okay?" (He was probably startled as to why I was standing there in the dark like a freaky person touching his head) but it was just one of those Mom moments where love was overflowing and I had to be near him. I had to see him and I had to look at how grown up he had become. I was just overwhemled, and I constantly am. In good ways and bad ways. In ways I want to give up and in ways that make me feel impowered.

Motherhood is filled with about a thousand things a hour that makes you realize how lucky, how truly blessed you are and how even though it's impossible at times, there is nothing in this world that matches it.
There is no one other than Trav and I that will love them more (except the Lord) and I remind myself of that often. Our home is the safest place they have here on earth, and what am I doing everyday with my time to insure that safety? Oh, how I adore them...
... So in these months of pregnancy where I would rather cut off a body part than endure the awfulness- I remind myself that this little one, will indeed melt my heart just the same, so yes, it is all worth it in the end.