Wednesday, December 11, 2013
I have been so emotional lately. Hormonal probably. Depressed, stressed out, and incredibly anxious. Everyday I think, this can't be normal, the anxiety is insain, this cannot be right- and it probably isn't, but with everything swirrling around in my crazy brain, I do stop to thank my Heavenly Father for it all. There are so many lessons I'm learning, and several I'm too angry to look at, but I am trying. My desire is good, the intent of my heart is pure and my willingness is 150%, it just gets difficult to maintain life sometimes. The pressure, the expectations, the guilt, the utter exhaustion, the messes, the worry, the unknown, the sadness, the kids who are changing into hormonal creatures, The endless fear I have not done enough, the laundry, the panic sending my kids off to school, the fear I'm a inattentive wife, the lack of sympathy I have for people right now, the $ worries, the worry that I'm failing as a parent- and making dinner every night- gosh I hate it with a passion.I feel overwhelmed, I feel like I'm slipping right now, I feel crazy. As we sat with the Bishop at tithing settlement, I just cried. I looked like a silly woman with too many feelings- and I just cried. The Bishop and Trav gave me a blessing of peace and I cried even more. Why am I never enough? Why isn't what I do ever enough? It is so hard living with me sometimes.It is so uncomfortable. I know the Lord strengthens us through our trials, and I know apart of this life is to grow in all areas, and I know that I have lacked a lot spiritually, and trials do tend to get us on our knees. I know that He sees and knows me, and it could always be worse, but sometimes I just wonder why the same trial over and over? Can't we trade our afflictions? Can't we sell them on the street corner somewhere and get new ones? I know, I know, I wouldn't want others, I just wish I would hurry up and learn how to feel good inside so I could stop trying to over compensate in every area of my life just to feel peace.I'm tired of thinking- if I do more, then I will feel good inside. I need to trust the Lord and rely on my Savior. I need to relax and just let go. I need to keep finding the joy and hold onto it because I have an incredible life. I love my life. And I am incredibly thankful for it. I love my babies and my husband and the gospel. I'm just tired of me...
Posted by Emily at 7:23 AM
I don't think I could love this girl more if I tried. She is one of my best friends in the whole world and I am blessed every second I am around her. Ang is one of those people who loves and gives and serves and doesn't ask for much. She is kind, funny and incredibly thoughtful. It doesn't get much better. We have so many memories together and when I look back my favorites are out at the orchard swinging from apple trees, canning, helping each other at about a million birthday parties, and couponing at 6:00 AM. There are a 100 more, but those are the best.We had a great night last night talking just the 3 of us for hours. It is amazing how much better you feel after venting, sharing and uplifting each other for awhile! I love you guys and I am so grateful for the incredible women you are!
Posted by Emily at 7:01 AM