Sunday, November 21, 2010

Goodbye G-ma Lillian...

When we went home in May for my brother's wedding, I had such a strong impression that we should drive over to Sequim to see my G-ma. i didn't think it would be the last time I would see her or I would have stayed there a week. I did however know, that the small act on my part would make her entire day, and I knew we had to go see her. When we arrived, she was asleep in her wheel chair. I remember thinking, she is getting older isn't she? When she woke up it took her a few moments to realize we were standing there, she wasn't expecting us at all, but then that delighful look came over her and like always, she said "Oh, Emily."
I will miss her so much. She passed away on Friday and I am so thankful that my last memory with her was with my family eating chicken nuggets in the TV lounge.
I will cherish my years of playing Bingo with her, her sweet smile, the way she always asked about the kids, the way she adored me, being there at every activity and family event and her love for baseball.
I will fly home Thanksgiving to attend her funeral on Friday. It will just be Willow & I and we will stay until Monday.
I am thankful she isn't in pain anymore and I am thankful she is with her husband again.
My step Dad, Brent has been in my life since I was 6 and I am blessed to have 2 Dad's. It was his Mom and it hurts my heart to think of him without her now. Brent lost his father when he was 16 so, G-ma was his world. This past week as Mom has prepared her funeral arrangments and told me about Brent, my heart just ached for him. Knowing she was dying was really difficult. He drove over to see her several times a week because he just wanted to be with her, he didn't want to leave her side. Brent is always joking and never serious, but when it came to his Mom, he was a giant ball of emotion. He loved her, as we all did. We are just sad to say goodbye.
I know she is ok now- and if there is Bingo in Heaven, I'm sure she's beating everyone there! I love you G-ma

Family Game Night...

So, if you haven't realized it, my husband is amazing. He is such an active part in the kids lives and I am so thankful. He was playing Monopoly with them tonight and the girls had just finished their bath, so everyone was still wrapped in towels- except for Willow. She toddled out all naked and climbed up to join in the fun. It was so cute! Sorry for the in modest shot, but I had too!

Thanks for coming Aunt Helene & Dad!!!

Dad & Aunt Helene come for a visit...

It means the world to me when my Dad comes out for a visit (and my Aunt Helene too!) He drives 7 hours each way, just to spend the night with us and then has to leave the next morning to get back in time for work the next day. We had fun, like always- playing at the park, eating pizza, reading stories, playing, talking & goofing around. After everyone went to bed, Dad and I layed on the couch for over an hour and just talked.It brings me to tears now because that's all I wanted growing up- was my Dad. I just wanted to know that he loved me, and I was worth loving. I missed him terribly growing up so the time I have with him now is so much more special and cherished. We layed there in the dark talking about life- the divorce, my kids, my healing,being parents, his hard times,the death of his Father, and more. It was just what I needed- my Father by my side.
I no longer look back and dwell on what I didn't have with him growing up, although the loss still sadens my heart at times- instead, I focus on how great we are making our relationship now. I have realized being a parent is the most difficult thing i have ever done in my life. Nobody really knows what they are doing. When I became a Mother, I began to forgive my Dad on a different level because I instantly realized that our childrens lives can so easily be altered by our actions. Did I want my children holding onto my mistakes for 20 years unable to let go of them? No. I began to see my Father as a real person. Although the past happened, I now know that it is so much more beautiful being his friend than holding onto that hurt and pain.I love my Dad and I am thankful for the time he takes to be with us. I am grateful for the healing that continues every time I am with him. My heart no longer feels shattered, it feels like it is back together and whole again. I love every second with him because we have come so far. Thank you Dad for being there, for making us laugh, for playing with my babies, for talking late into the night, for hugging me, for making me feel important, for sacraficing your time and days off, for seeing me as a person and not just your daughter, for loving me and for seeing a need and driving over to make it better.