Saturday, May 19, 2012
I think after a day of laughing so hard, my emotional state decided to switch it up a bit and try crying for awhile. I'm not sure if it was a hormonal thing- or a "real" moment thing that I needed, but something happened last night and I just fell apart. The girls were asleep, the boys were at their campout, I was alone, it was quiet and I was getting ready for bed. I had just finished a total chick flick movie when out of nowhere, every single insecurity of being a Mother surfaced and I felt awful. The tears started falling and I couldn't stop them. They just fell. I thought of my actions through out the day toward my children and I felt ashamed, I thought of how I had talked to Tristin in the morning trying to get him ready for school, and I felt awful. I thought of how impatient I had been with the girls because I was exhausted, and I felt sad. How had I turned into this? How was my behavior, or lack of it, going to affect my kids in the future? I just cried, and I didn't even try to stop. I pleaded with Heavenly Father to help me, to change those parts of me that were unpleasant and to give me strength in each moment to step back and ask myself if this is how I really wanted to handle the situation. I just asked for him to lift me up and become a better Mother and person. I know we all have these moments. My Mom still does and she's approaching 100 soon- she still feel like she has failed all of us, no matter how hard I have tried convicing her of the opposite- but something about last night was different. It was almost like I saw into the future at how I had damaged my babies and I had the chance to fix it if I really wanted. It's such a struggle with me because I am tough on my kids. No means No and I follow through with love and disapline. I falter, naturally, but I am strict when it comes to manners, being honest, being kind and being helpful. I am the military Mom, I mean what I say and I don't want to have to repete myself a million times. I expect them to be respectful and good helpers where ever they go. I pray for good children. I pray they grow up knowing how much I adore them, and I'm not sure that they know that. I tell them a 1000 times a day, and I kiss them so much they have to pull away sometimes, but are my actions, my impatience and my anger all they see and feel? Gosh, I feel like I'm failing. Being a Mom is easy- being a good Mom is really hard. I pray for strength, wisdom and a softer voice. I pray that when my babies look at me, they see how much I love them and not how upset I am over the 5 bottles of spilled glue and glitter stuck in the carpet. I always think to myself: how would I feel if my Mom was talking to me this way? How would I crumble if she was yelling at me? I am grateful for my meltdown, I think I really needed a reality check. I also think in a way, I'm scared to have another baby... what if I'm not enough?
Posted by Emily at 6:52 AM