Hesitant...

I have been hesitant to write my goals out because honestly, I don't want there to be another thing on my list that I feel like I have to do or accomplish. I am so tired and worn out right now and just the thought of thinking about my goals exhausted me more than I can express. The truth is, I'm setting goals 100 times a day, writing them down and then am frantically trying to get them all done in 5 minutes. I'm awake at 4:45 AM almost every morning and I'm already tackling everything for the day. The laundry is going, the shower is done, the house is picked up, my blog is updated, my bags are by the door, dinner is planned, my list is out and when I look at the clock it's only 6:20AM.
My wish is that I could learn how to slow down a little. To stop feeling like I have failed if it isn't all done by the time the kids wake up. I wish I wouldn't pack so much in in a day, because the truth is- I don't feel that much different if I do get it all done. Sure, there is a satisfied high that lasts a few seconds- but that amazing feeling I'm trying to acheive never comes. It never comes because that isn't the reward. The peace I'm trying to acheive doesn't come from getting it all done- it comes from being close to Heavenly Father so I can feel his love and feel that peace. No wonder I don't feel it. I haven't sat down long enough to do anything, let alone to feel his love for me. I just keep doing,going, accomplishing, running and staying busy that I don't make time for him in my life. I push him away because I'm so angry at myself, so disappointed and so frustrated that I'm not further along in my recovery- that I don't feel I'm deserving of his presence, or his love, or his peace. I just never feel like I'm enough.
There is something in me that won't stop pushing, won't stop nagging and I am so disappointed with myself because I continue to feel I have something to prove- and it's just to myself. In my head I think that if I get it all done, then I'm ok. That it will cancel everything out and I will magacially feel better inside. I keep thinking that I will be enough then. It's no wonder that I don't make my bed very often- my goal is just to climb back in as early as possible. I am sad that I still haven't learned that my self worth shouldn't be wrapped around what I accomplish in a day- but for 100 million reasons, it is. I can't keep up with myself anymore. I can't win, and I know it- so why can't I stop?
I know that part of it is just life. We all feel it as women, as mother's and as wives- and that is ok. I accept that part. I wanted that part my entire life. I dreamed of children, a house, laudry, and dihes. It's the other part that has been so damaging that I wish I could free myself from.
So, for my goals this year, I went pretty easy: #1- to cook # 2- to slow down my pace. # 3- make my bed every morning because I can't sleep it away # 4- to play with my babies more # 5- to make Trav and his needs a priority # 6- to take care of myself.# 7- to stop setting so many goals.
Each and everyone of us are worthy of his love.

Happy Birthday to me!!!

When Trav got a 2nd computer for the kids a few months ago, I thought it was excessive, to say the least. (Granted he got it from a friend for $ 20.00, so I was happy it didn't break the bank!) Everyone was already obsessed and on the computer WAY too much, so adding another one did not delight me... until I realized how I could benifit from it. It meant that I didn't have to share my computer as much and there would be less whinning and complaining when I actually wanted to be on for a few minutes- but my most favorite part in the entire world meant that: WE COULD GET ANOTHER PRINTER FOR MY COUPONS!!!! I could print 4 of each one now and I wouldn't have to drive over to my Father-in-laws house and spend an hour trying to print 2 coupons on his SUPER OLD one! It was horribly frustrating. (The cool part is that he got a new one for Christmas which prints in seconds and Ellen has her computer over there too which prints. So 4 sets for me!Yeah!!!!!!)
Anyway, we went to Walmart and picked up the cheap $29.00 printer and that night I ran back to Albertson's to grab more FREE food for the 100th time with my coupons from my new printer! I love my birthday present!!!

Crazy smiles...

Did anyone else get a TON of oranges from Winco's Grand Opening? Well we did, so we've been eating them like crazy! Here we are with our silly smiles. Amazing what makes kids happy!

Our 1st fire of the Winter...

Silly to blog about I know, but the other night we had our first fire this year. We were hesitant because Willow is still so little and we were sure she would try to climb in, but it turned out fine. The kids loved crumpling up all the newspaper and watching it burn. It felt so nice to sit by it eeven if it only lasted 20 minutes. Good try kids!

It has begun.

Tristin has received the "Gator Award" at school several times each year and part of the reward was picking 2 people to come to school and eat lunch with him. The girls and I always packed our lunches and skipped off to school so excited to be with him... until yesterday.

I guess I was wrong in assuming we would be the 'chosen ones." because when I dropped him off yesterday morning- I said, "I'll see you at lunch time." And then came the sad, sad words... "Oh Mom, I picked Liam & Ms Hansen instead."

All of a sudden my heart broke and I said, "But Tristin, we've been talking about it all week, you never mentioned that you wanted other people. Grace will be sad too, I've been planning on it all week."
He said, "Mom, are you mad at me?" and in my hurt voice I said, "No, I'm not mad, my feelings are just hurt."
All of a sudden, Jenny McCarthy's voice came into my mind from the previous day on Oprah when she was talking about women being manipulative, and it hit me- I was trying to get my way and it was really about what Tristin wanted! Stop it Emily!!!
I swallowed my pride and said, "Buddy, who do you want at the table?" and he said" Liam & Ms Hansen." And I said "Ok, have a good day. I love you."

Although I drove away in tears, I realized that it was about what he wanted, it was his choice and I had to realize that for the rest of our lives, this was going to happen.
He apoligized when he came home and we talked about it for a few minutes. I told him, "Lets just agree to talk about things next time so we both know what to expect, I'm not mad at all, I'm glad you had a fun lunch." He then said, "I'll invite you next time Mom."
I joked to Trav that I'm not the cool Mom anymore, but putting that aside, I love to see him make choices and stick to his guns when he wants something. Looking back it was great to see him standing up for his decision even when he thought it would hurt my feelings. It was just a neat moment that seriously made me cry.

Birthday dinner with the girls...

Last night my friends and I went to Red Robin for my birthday and we had the best time! It was so wonderful to be around incredible women, eat way too much food, open fabulous presents, enjoy a few hours without the kids, talk, cry and be uplifted by one another. It was just what I needed- thank you amazing friends for loving me and for the 100 pounds of junk food I received (and the other super awesome presents!)

Miss Annikan...

I just had to take a few minutes to say thank you to one of my best friends- my dear sweet Annikan. I love her so much and I appriciate her friendship in my life. I love our Target runs, our Sonic splurges, organizing closets together, years worth of having yard sales together, how funny she is, her dedication to getting out of debt, her self control, her amazing love for her family, her cute garage door, always being there for me, her pop addictions, brining me Panda Express in the hospital after giving birth, how she is ALWAYS there at every party or get together- cleaning up & helping me, how she always listens and offers advice, her super cute quilt abilities, our "brick house" shopping trip,how she knows when I'm "off" and offers to cheer me up, her sweater fettish, how she gives it her all, how she tries so hard not to swear, how she supports her husband, loves her friends and is simply amazing all the time.
Annikan- thank you for this past week. I love you so much and I thank Heavenly Father everyday we are friends. You have truely been a blessing in my life.
Now lets start painting!!!

Noodle Bath!!!

All day long all I heard was, "Mom, can we take our noodle bath yet?"
Well, finally the blessed event was upon us and we had a blast. We played, we laughed and we made a huge mess. What a great day!

More fun...

The Noodle Bath...

Once again, I apoligize for the swim suit shots, believe me, these lingering 100 pounds were the last thing I wanted to share with all of you, trust me!
It was another successful noodle bath tonight as we all hopped in and squished noodles between our toes and shoved handfuls down our bathing suits. the kids were laughing, noodles were flying and I was just trying to keep the cleavage covered! We definatly didn't put as many packs in this year. My guess is only 30 this time (no seasoning!). Regaurdless of the mess Trav is now cleaning up, it was fun and worth it. My favorite part is finding dried ramen noodles all over the house for the next week!