Hesitant...

I have been hesitant to write my goals out because honestly, I don't want there to be another thing on my list that I feel like I have to do or accomplish. I am so tired and worn out right now and just the thought of thinking about my goals exhausted me more than I can express. The truth is, I'm setting goals 100 times a day, writing them down and then am frantically trying to get them all done in 5 minutes. I'm awake at 4:45 AM almost every morning and I'm already tackling everything for the day. The laundry is going, the shower is done, the house is picked up, my blog is updated, my bags are by the door, dinner is planned, my list is out and when I look at the clock it's only 6:20AM.
My wish is that I could learn how to slow down a little. To stop feeling like I have failed if it isn't all done by the time the kids wake up. I wish I wouldn't pack so much in in a day, because the truth is- I don't feel that much different if I do get it all done. Sure, there is a satisfied high that lasts a few seconds- but that amazing feeling I'm trying to acheive never comes. It never comes because that isn't the reward. The peace I'm trying to acheive doesn't come from getting it all done- it comes from being close to Heavenly Father so I can feel his love and feel that peace. No wonder I don't feel it. I haven't sat down long enough to do anything, let alone to feel his love for me. I just keep doing,going, accomplishing, running and staying busy that I don't make time for him in my life. I push him away because I'm so angry at myself, so disappointed and so frustrated that I'm not further along in my recovery- that I don't feel I'm deserving of his presence, or his love, or his peace. I just never feel like I'm enough.
There is something in me that won't stop pushing, won't stop nagging and I am so disappointed with myself because I continue to feel I have something to prove- and it's just to myself. In my head I think that if I get it all done, then I'm ok. That it will cancel everything out and I will magacially feel better inside. I keep thinking that I will be enough then. It's no wonder that I don't make my bed very often- my goal is just to climb back in as early as possible. I am sad that I still haven't learned that my self worth shouldn't be wrapped around what I accomplish in a day- but for 100 million reasons, it is. I can't keep up with myself anymore. I can't win, and I know it- so why can't I stop?
I know that part of it is just life. We all feel it as women, as mother's and as wives- and that is ok. I accept that part. I wanted that part my entire life. I dreamed of children, a house, laudry, and dihes. It's the other part that has been so damaging that I wish I could free myself from.
So, for my goals this year, I went pretty easy: #1- to cook # 2- to slow down my pace. # 3- make my bed every morning because I can't sleep it away # 4- to play with my babies more # 5- to make Trav and his needs a priority # 6- to take care of myself.# 7- to stop setting so many goals.
Each and everyone of us are worthy of his love.