Friday, May 27, 2011

Standing in my truth...

In honor of Oprah- one thing I know for sure is: when you have a "feeling" or "prompting" to do something- YOU BETTER DO IT! There is a reason you're feeling it. There is a purpose behind it, and if it isn't done or fullfilled, you may never see the amazing blessings God gives you or performs in your life.
I am a believer of many things, and one of the greastest is: what goes around, comes around. I believe with all my heart,that what we give to the world is what eventually comes back to bless our lives. I also believe that it may come in another form- not exactly the one we put out there, but that's ok, too.
I have seen so many miracles in my life lately and it's because I have incredibly people surrounding me- and because I've chosen to see them as blessings and focus on the good they have brought to my life. I have found myself at his feet many times, feeling so unworthy, but needing to be there- just needing to feel his peace. I have had a friend tell me- it's ok to need help, it's your turn right now. Even though the guilt and shame find me, I agree, that we all need help sometimes and this cement wall I have built so high around me that has kept everyone out- hasn't been the friend I thought it would be...
I've always wanted to do it all on my own because I felt I was weak if I didn't. I belived that relying on anyone else meant that I was incapable, and I couldn't handle it. Even if it meant lying to world just to appear ok- I did it. I did everything right, almost 100% of the time- but I woke up one day wondering why I felt so awful inside.
I had to stop pretending, building walls, pushing people away and lying- and just accept I wasn't who I portrayed to be. I was not perfect, and my long, tedious jorney to live it, to be it and to feel it- had failed. So after years of fighting it- I turned to God and said for the first time in a very long time- "I need you."
...and the miracle was- he was already there. It was me that had moved so far away. It was me that was so tangled that I could feel his arms around me. All it took was saying those 3 words until I could feel it again.
The truth is, I need help. I am incapable. I am weak. And it's ok to need someone. It'sfinally ok to be honest and say, "No- it hasn't been a great day, but thanks for asking."
It's ok to decline when I'm not feeling up to helping with something. It's ok to sit down for 5 minutes and let my body catch up and it's ok to let those around me help for a few minutes before I push them away with tears in my eyes and an overwhelmed heart.
There have been some super gigantic miracles lately, and small ones too- all equal in my mind. I have had amazing friends know just what I needed, a mother who can read my mind, a husband who never stops loving me, children who delight my heart and yard sales that bless me with Cub Scout Bear necessities for .25! I am so grateful for my amazing life. I am beyond blessed and even though there has been a rough patch lately and I've been scared out of my mind- I see the bigger picture, I feel Heavenly Father's love- which only concludes, we will be just fine...

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