This past week there have been some HUGE struggles with a friend of mine and it has caused me to think about my life, and my past. I have dealt with depression, anxiety, OCD issues, an eating disorder, self hatred, addictions and a thousand other unpleasant things throughout my life, but somehow I survived them all. I have wanted to end my life many many times but never did in fear of hurting all those I left behind. Watching my friend struggle this past week has hurt my heart. I wanted to take away her pain, make everything better but I couldn't. All I could do was listen,and pray for her healing to begin.
I still struggle every second with a few remaining issues, mostly- depression,some OCD issues and the uncontrolable need for perfection. But over the past 10 years of my life, I have wanted to live, and when I say live, I mean, really live. I have focused on my own healing through counseling, group therapy, medication and lots of chocolate. I have walked through many "forest fires" and come out the other side alive and stronger. I have ached, cried and hurt most of my life but I never gave up even in my darkest hours when I really wanted to. I am learning to love myself more. I am trying to see me as my Heavenly Father does and at times, I still can't look in the mirror. When I am struggling beyond belief, I now turn to my husband, my Mother, my friends, my journal and my Savior. They all help me through the hurt. I try not to hurt myself anymore to punish me for something I didn't do or do well enough. I know there is more to life than just barly getting by. I know that God wants me to have a wonderful, incredible life, and I do! I just need to relax more and give myself permission to just be me. I share this because we all hurt, we all have a past and we all have things we wish never happened, but my hope is that we all get throught it, that we walk through the fire and come out the other side seeing how amazing we are. My prayer is that you will reach out to someone- anyone, in your dark moments, because the world is so much better with you in it.
To my beautiful friend, I am so happy you are still here.
My happiness:
My husbands touch
my babies
My childrens laughter
My Mother's voice
my family
amazing friends
Standing at the edge of the ocean
motorcycle rides with my Dad
chocolate
Yard sales
my vaccuum
My VW
Windex
scriptures
hand sanitizer
church
candy
music
my journal
coupons
fuzzy socks
chapstick
Michael Bolton
Non fat milk
sterling silver
my grandpa singing while he vaccuums
Grandmas crocheted blankets & dish rags
Old fashioned glazed donuts
bubble baths
The Office
fabric
scapbook paper
recycling
my red bingo sweatshirt
black sweats
food
the smell of a clean house
Advil
my dishwasher
my washer & dryer
my phone
my zebra bathrobe
...thank you for my amazing life!
