This past month has been really difficult for me. Of course, I put my happy face on seconds later, kept up on laundry, ran the errands, went to work, made dinner, cleaned house, took care of kids and pretended life was okay, but inside I wasn't. I just fell apart and didn't know how to get back to where I had been. Thanks to MarDene, I've learned to sit with the uncomfortable when it appears out of nowhere. So, in the moments that my heart hurt so much, I just let it out. I cried in the shower or in bed when no one was around, I wrote about how much it hurt to lose, I talked about it when I needed to and I prayed like crazy. Being me, I naturally pushed God away for awhile, but then begged him to return and let me know what it was I was supposed to learn, because I wanted to learn it and move on. I didn't want the sadness to hang over me like it was. I didn't want the constant reminder of what I no longer had. I just didn't know where to put it. It isn't tangible so I've struggled with it. It's an invisable loss that feels like I shouldn't have been so sad to lose, but I was and I am, and that's just how I feel. I wanted that baby. I know soon enough things will work out and I'll be complaining about morning sickness for 5 months, but for now, I just feel completely empty.You never know how you'll react to something until it happens, but what I've learned is that things are so much easier when you have Heavenly Father, family & girlfriends to pull you through it. I have been amazed at the love and concern everyone has shown, and I thank you beyond words. Thank you for the meals, the flowers, the cards, the "save Emily" dates, trips to Target, phone calls, e mails, text messages and all your great advice. I have been blessed with the most extraordinary friends and family ever, and I love you all. (Sorry I don't have pictures of everyone, I just loved this one of Chelsea, Andrea & me) I'm so thankful for what I do have, for everyone who have loved me every second and listened everytime my heart ached and the tears just wouldn't stop. Thank you for pulling me through...
Every time I find out Mom is coming for a visit, it feels like the next few weeks just freeze, and nothing else seems to matter. It's all I can think about, it's all I what, and it's all consuming. Just the thought of hugging her again, or sitting on the couch talking, or playing dark adventures, is all my heart wants. I just want my Mama every second because she's my world and I miss her more than I've ever missed anything/anyone in my entire life. She is my best friend and I would be lost without her. Thank you Mom for coming... I love you!
G-pa Brent & Tristin at breakfast...
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