Tuesday, February 12, 2013
After a recent "conversation" with someone I live with, it was brought to my attention that I am not the easiest person to live with. Although hurt at first, I've really reflected on my behavior, my additions, my attitude, my constant need for control, my depression and anxiety and a lot of my actions towards my family. In the beginning I felt blameless, but now as I examine myself, I have found that a clean and organized house, although great and awesome,comes with a cost and pretty high price tag too. I know what I need to work on, I live with myself everyday too and I am well aware that I am crazy and difficult and don't want anything out of place. After talking a lot with Trav, I tried to help him realize that the only control I have is in my home. Somewhere along the way my self worth got tied in and wrapped around what I do and accomplish in a day. I haven't been able to detangle the two yet and so what I do in a day refelects how I feel about myself in that moment. If the house is clean, then I feel I've succeeded, in return, I feel better. If the house is a mess, I feel I have failed and therefore I feel horrible inside. It makes complete sense in my brain, but it was also good to see that to him, it was difficult to connect the dots. So in honor of "working on it" and becoming more super to be around, I am conducting mini mess therapy sessions with myself to work on a few of my issues. My first one came 30 minutes ago while I was feeding Roman oh, so carefully. I stopped and said "what the heck, make a mess, just do it, Em! So I let him feed himself and smear rice cereal all over the place. I just stood and watched knowing the longer I took to clean it up, the faster in was turning into cement- but I also realized, I survived it. The mess didn't kill me, so here goes. I'll report back later. And Trav if you ever read this, thank you for loving me and sticking with me through all the mess in my head. I love you.
Posted by Emily at 9:18 AM