5 AM ramblings...

The past few months I've realized a lot. #1- I've had no energy, which means my kids brains have rotted from too much TV and computer time. It's been so hot that the outside activities have lasted only minutes and I've been too tired or nursing a baby to care or get up and shut it off. I love technology and hate it at the same time. # 2- the adjustment to 5 kids in the Summer time has been good for me. It's been overwhemling at times to juggle the postpartum tears, the diaper bag, nursing, shopping with all of them, trying to entertain them all, meet everyone's needs, keep the house clean and wash the bottomless pit of laundry- but we have at least survived! It's been good, just mostly me I think. Why don't these hormones just exit the body with the baby? Why do they linger and mess you up a little more? # 3- School starts in 1 week and apart of me is really sad while the other part takes a deep breath and embraces what is to come. I love being with my kids, I love the time with them and I know once they go back- the influence of others will creep in a little more and the less time I have being their Mom. There is a part that loves getting back on schedule and having that predictable routine too. I'm excited for Grace to start Kindergarten as well. She has been ready to go for years now,and I'm sure like Daisy, will end up being the teacher's helper when it comes to helping the kids in the class. It will be nice to have more time with Willow and Roman as well. Grace will be gone every other day, so having just 2 kids a few times a week should feel like a walk in the park! # 4- I need to get myself together. As a woman. As a mom- everything. I haven't even read Tristin's scout book yet and he's been a Weablo for 3 months now. I have no clue what he should be doing, I can't remember meetings to save my life and I feel disconnected because I haven't taken the time. And why do I have zero desire to get myself ready for the day? Why does showering and doing my hair and makeup make me want to cry even more? It's SOOO exhausting! Why do I dread it so much? And weight loss. When I should be losing it- all I want to do is keep eating, like for a 100 people this time. I know I should care more about myself, but I don't and apart of me is saddened by that- while the other part stopped caring a long time ago. And my dear Grace. I am really struggling to be a good Mother to her right now. I just don't know how to be what she needs. I don't know how to keep from losing my temper, it's just a huge challenge right now. And pretty much always has been, but for some reason, right now feels worse. I want a better relationship with her and I feel like I'm failing every second of the day. I have held her more times lately after a big fight- and just rocked her crying and pleading with God to forgive me for spanking or yelling or both. I want to be better. I want to be calmer and I don't know how to win with her. That may be the problem though- maybe I'm spending so much time focusing on "winning" that I'm not figuring out how to connect or find what works for her. It's hard looking at yourself and realizing that you are not as super as you thought, that you are not so patient anymore and maybe lying to yourself has served no one after all