Confession...

I've been examining my life lately trying to see if my emptiness and sadness was based on anything I was doing or not doing in my life. And after looking inward for about 3 seconds, I pretty much concluded- yeah, it's been my fault.
I have every oppertunity for peace, wholeness and joy-right at my fingertips and what have I done to make it apart of my life lately? Nothing really.

I pulled out my scriptures last night to read, and they were covered in dust. Seriuosly. It is so sad to admit, but I'm being honset with myself so I will hold myself accountable for my feelings and where I am right now. I have such a gift in my life that has been collecting dust. People gave their lives and sacraficed everything they had for the scriptures- and mine have been under my bed just sitting there. How can I expect God to fill me when I am making zero effort? How can I expect to receive blessings when I am running the other direction? My lack of happiness has been based on my choices to let God in my life and heal me or not. No wonder i don't feel him anymore- I've been running from him for so long that he just had to stop and wait for me to return.

And what about prayer? I hardly ever kneel and pray by myself. I am fantastic about praying in my head, my heart, out loud- often to the point I God is sick of hearing my voice- but kneeling- nope.

When was the last time I went to the temple? A really long time ago. It's the only place on earth I have felt such love and peace and I cannot recall even the month I attended last.

The sad truth is- I make time for everything else in my life- The Office, couponing, friends, organizing & cleaning, but the most important gifts Heavenly Father has given me have laid unopened for a very long time. How sad he must feel. How would we feel if we had the most beautiful present for a loved one and after giving it to them it just sat on their table unopened? i know I would feel hurt, and probably angry at them for being so rude to not even care enough to look inside.
It isn't that I've been doing anything terribly wrong or bad in my life, I just haven't been doing anything terribly right either. I've just been coasting, just trying to stay above water. But I want more. I want peace. I want to feel God's love. I want to shine and radiate like I used to. I want to feel so much joy in my life that it brings me to tears. I want to be fullfilled.

As I was reading in the scriptures this morning I read:But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquites;the chastisement of our peace was upon him ; and with his stripes we are healed. (Mosiah 14:5)

All I could do was cry. And then pray. And then ask for forgivness. I need my Heavenly Father. I need Christ in my life- and when I put all my craziness aside, I realize that they have been right there just waiting for me to return to their arms.