Rushing things...

I know life is all about waiting for the next thing to happen.
I know that we impatient and always wanting it now.
I also know pregnancy is a gift and blessing.

It's also crazy and insain and life altering.
I know that I need to slow it down and enjoy these last few months of just 4 kids- because I know 5 is going to be a little crazy. I wonder if it will break me, I'm worried it may push me over the edge. With each child everything has become increasingly harder. I've been stretched more directions imaginable and been exhausted beyond belief- but I never had a real break down when any of them arrived. It was kind of like: "ok, throw another one in the mix, what's the difference, 2, 3, 4- it's all the same."
And part of that has been true...

I've always struggled with depression and the crazy postpartum stuff has never been a joy to endure- the crying curled in the shower, the bawling sessions over socks turned inside out, the dark places your mind takes you or the sad realization that you still look 5 months pregnants and you can't do anything about it for awhile.

I guess I have moments where I wonder if I will be able to do it all- and to overcompensate, I feel I have to do even more now- just incase I can't. Just incase, I have to prove to myself that when things are ok, I can still do 50,000 things- and that's huge for me. I don't know why I keep having to prove to myself all the time what I am capable of- but I do. I know there is something broken in my brain- because everyday there is an internal dialogue with myself, that never let's up. It never stops pushing and it never stops expecting miracles. I don't know why I won't let myself just slow down, there is always compatition within myself and it's so exhausting. I have to maintain a balance where I can still feel like I've accomplished what I feel is a reasonable amount of "things" in a day.

I know that newborns slow you down- big time. That's why nursing has always been very difficult for me. I've had to stop the motion, the craziness and just sit. I'm not very good at just sitting. I wish I could turn my brain off sometimes and just relax. Wouldn't that be nice? Oh, the things we think of...