Falling apart...

I think after a day of laughing so hard, my emotional state decided to switch it up a bit and try crying for awhile. I'm not sure if it was a hormonal thing- or a "real" moment thing that I needed, but something happened last night and I just fell apart. The girls were asleep, the boys were at their campout, I was alone, it was quiet and I was getting ready for bed. I had just finished a total chick flick movie when out of nowhere, every single insecurity of being a Mother surfaced and I felt awful. The tears started falling and I couldn't stop them. They just fell. I thought of my actions through out the day toward my children and I felt ashamed, I thought of how I had talked to Tristin in the morning trying to get him ready for school, and I felt awful. I thought of how impatient I had been with the girls because I was exhausted, and I felt sad. How had I turned into this? How was my behavior, or lack of it, going to affect my kids in the future? I just cried, and I didn't even try to stop. I pleaded with Heavenly Father to help me, to change those parts of me that were unpleasant and to give me strength in each moment to step back and ask myself if this is how I really wanted to handle the situation. I just asked for him to lift me up and become a better Mother and person. I know we all have these moments. My Mom still does and she's approaching 100 soon- she still feel like she has failed all of us, no matter how hard I have tried convicing her of the opposite- but something about last night was different. It was almost like I saw into the future at how I had damaged my babies and I had the chance to fix it if I really wanted. It's such a struggle with me because I am tough on my kids. No means No and I follow through with love and disapline. I falter, naturally, but I am strict when it comes to manners, being honest, being kind and being helpful. I am the military Mom, I mean what I say and I don't want to have to repete myself a million times. I expect them to be respectful and good helpers where ever they go. I pray for good children. I pray they grow up knowing how much I adore them, and I'm not sure that they know that. I tell them a 1000 times a day, and I kiss them so much they have to pull away sometimes, but are my actions, my impatience and my anger all they see and feel? Gosh, I feel like I'm failing. Being a Mom is easy- being a good Mom is really hard. I pray for strength, wisdom and a softer voice. I pray that when my babies look at me, they see how much I love them and not how upset I am over the 5 bottles of spilled glue and glitter stuck in the carpet. I always think to myself: how would I feel if my Mom was talking to me this way? How would I crumble if she was yelling at me? I am grateful for my meltdown, I think I really needed a reality check. I also think in a way, I'm scared to have another baby... what if I'm not enough?

The first silly yard sale sign...

Oh, there she is- I just found it! Here's the first sign that made me laugh years ago!

It feels good to laugh...

There is nothing I love more than sugar, The Office & yard sales- so when we were out this morning hitting the yard sales- and ran arcoss this little number, you can imagine how hard Trav & I were laughing! (He had the day off and came out at 8:00AM to come treasure hunting with me, what a guy!) The funny thing was their sign of course, but they had no excuse that we could tell, for the misspelling! Now, I admit, I am a horrible speller, and I rarely spell check anything on my blog- but for Heaven's sakes, don't most people know how to spell - Yard??? I understand when people are from another country and are learning English and all that, but these people were definatly from Idaho- not 5,000 miles away. We laughed and laughed and laughed. Honestly, every time I look at this picture I smile, giggle and then laugh until I almost wet my pants. For some reason it just delights my soul and brings me something I haven't felt in awhile. Kind of like the "Mobing Sale" sign I found a few years ago.

Sprinklers...

Trav turned the sprinklers on today and the girls had a blast running through them for awhile.

Grace's guitar...

Grace found a guiter for $ 2.00 today at a yard sale. It was cute to watch her sit on Trav's lap and play this afternoon.

Sweet old ladies on crack...

So, most of the pregnant comments I hear are about how huge I am or how crazy I am to be on baby # 5, or how I have my hands full, or how I should learn how to prevent it from happening again- but today at a yard sale I encountered 2 sweet ladies who were aparently blind and super great liars! They went on and on about how from the back you couldn't even tell I was pregnant, how great I looked and how my face didn't even look puffy. I thanked them and said I would be hanging out with them for the remainder of the day because the rest of the planet thought I was a ginormous whale. They were cute, but awfully wrong- 30 extra pounds never looks good my friends, and I know it, but it sure was sweet of them to talk so sweetly for a few minutes! It was kind of a nice surprise considering strangers have had no filter lately!

The garden...

Each year I have good intentions of growing a beautiful garden, but then real life sets in and things don't turn out to be so pretty. We grow stuff, but I don't think my heart has really been in it enough to give it the love and devotion it's needed. I don't even know when to plant stuff. Even after asking my MIL and getting a hand out from Zamzoes, I still don't care enough to even look at it. I made Trav plant today while I weeded. He had the day off so he and Grace had fun planting the seeds (I secretely didn't want to be held responsable for it failing this year!) It was cute to watch them together. I got my tomatoes in my Topsy Turvey and hope for a few this year. I realy love tomatoes. After we were done, we had to cover both garden beds with wire fencing stuff to keep the stupid cats from using it (and everything else around my house) as their personal litter box. They ruin parts of the garden every year- and honestly, I think I might swear in my mind when it happens. Probably even really bad words too. I REALLY, REALLY, REALLY hate the cats- so much that I've been plotting their death for years now. I haven't killed them yet because I just know I'll get caught and sent to jail or lose my kids or have to pay a billion dollars in fines, or end up on the news as the cool pregnant lady who went nuts and killed the neighborhood cats and then blogged about it and then got caught. Oh, how I wish they would stop pooping EVERYWHERE around every inch of my house and yard. I hope the Lord understands my evil thoughts come from YEARS and YEARS of cleaning up mounds of poop. So I pray something will grow this year- we shall see!

Let the free donuts begin!

We won our first free donut today and the girls were THRILLED!Thanks Albertson's!

I ordered my 3rd blog book!

I am so excited- I ordered my 3rd blog book (from shared book.com)the other day and I'm anxiously awaiting its arrival! It is SOOOO worth the money and these books mean the world to me. There is nothing better than my journal, my family's daily events and pictures all in one- plus, who has time to scapbook anymore??? Can't wait to have it here and so glad for the yard sale that made it happen!!

Mother's Day...

After church on Sunday, we went to Edith & max's for dinner and dessert. We ate, layed around and talked- the perfect afternoon! I picked out soap at bath & body works for my present and then Trav surprised me with a Subway gift certificate! Perfect day.